The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
