well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You made out with two different species that night
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
