he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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