I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
sick fucks of a feather flock together
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
