Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
