someone get that fucking seahorse.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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