I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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