i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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