i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
