There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
