I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
