are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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