Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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