im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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