my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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