apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
