blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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