maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
