there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
