Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
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