As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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