I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
