sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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