in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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