I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
