Already got asked if we're dating
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
