jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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