she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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