george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
