I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
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