sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
