My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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