Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
