The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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