Your face is a jimmy john
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
