What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My liver just broke up with me...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
