watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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