i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
