I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
