god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
