When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize