i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
