FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize