Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
