where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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