I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize