Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
