dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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