So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My dick has a subreddit
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
