I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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