Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
