We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
