I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
