wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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