we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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