Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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