And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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