Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
