I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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