So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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