you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
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