i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
