If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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